It was mother’s favorite song, she played it all of the time, even when it wasn’t Christmas. She would
often be in some innocent state of undress as she danced along to the song around the house.
shaping my young brain.

During a rough night when I was 11. her boyfriend at the time was beating her and I ran to my room,
closed the door, and played it on my CD player as loud as it went so I couldn’t hear anything. For
some reason, in confused anger, I discovered masturbation right then and there, and ejaculated for
the first time as “Santa baby” played so loudly in my head, and I tried to remember the good,
carefree times in my life when it was playing in the background. It’s been my safety song ever since.
and whenever I am stressed, or angry, or horny, or feeling down, I just need to play the song to
remember how I believed the world could be a warm and happy place, before it was ruined for me.

I’ve never masturbated without listening to it. At a party once in high school, I was able to kiss a girl,
and it seemed like she was wanting to make out. I stopped, ran to my backpack, and pulled out my
iPod, and played Santa baby louder than the party music in the other room. I tried to put one earbud
in her ear and continue kissing her (to be polite) but she seemed uninterested or confused and stood
up and left me alone. I continued listening to the song a few more times alone, remembering back to
how I can always feel warm in a world of Eartha Kitt serenading me, my dad being home with us.
and my mother being happy.