Gentlemen I am become straight edge god destroyer of pubes

Alright gentlemen I wish to tell my tale of woe and triumph. Firstly let me explain that story did not come about organically, I went into this with a purpose and that purpose was to become a man. After acquiring a no frills simple straight edge razor (my first) I wisely decided to attempt to shave my face before proceeding to the land down under. Needless to say my face is currently dripping blood but by the time I finished with my face I felt reasonably confident in my straight edge skills.

Now the real story begins. As a young man I loved the feel of my nice clean dink and balls but as I grew older this delightful feeling slowly left me and left in its place a terrible itch garden covering my dink, balls, and nether areas almost completely. At various points in my life I have attempted to battle this unruly overgrowth with moderate success by shedding blood, tears, and time with precious few results for my hard labors.

After a time I grew to despair as my efforts to win this endless battle seemed to be more and more fruitless despite my frantic efforts. Sadly I was not destined to find glory for many years and eventually allowed for a ceasefire with my bitter foe to allow time for my soul to heal and stoke the bitter flame of my desire.

But my journey was not yet over for one day whilst talking the shit with my contemporary fellows I jested “yeah well real men shave their balls with a straight razor!” Like a flash, in a divine moment of inspiration I realized the weal to my woe, the day to my night, the yukio to my pokemon, and sent out for a straight razor forthhaste! After checking reddit to see if any of our brothers have attempted this same feat I learned that the risks of this operation could be absolutely devastating depending entirely on the vistitudes of fate and the whims of the gods.

I steeled my determination and honed my craft most precisely on my beard, hoping that the gods would honor my sacrifice of blood and hair with a nice smooth shave upon the blessed sack. With a quick run for luck I proceeded to whisk my blade through the body of my foe, chopping, slipping, and screaming to victory! I stand here proud to ANNOUNCE THAT I HAVE SHAVED, SHAFT, BALLS, AND ANUS WITH NOT A SLICE OF FLESH OUT OF PLACE!!!!!!

MY GENITALS ARE PRISTIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHHAHAJAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA