First of all, what have the whales ever done for us? Has a whale ever saved you from anything bad? Have you ever come home after a hard day’s work to find that a whale has made you dinner? No, never. We should also nuke the whales because they are plotting against us in a handful of sinister ways. For starters, they eat sailors, and sometimes even real people, too. Remember that Jonah guy? They also eat boats. Not those really small, dingy boats either. For example, you know the Titanic? It didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg. Come on, icebergs between the UK and the US? What am I, retarded? The only logical explanation would be the whales eating it. The whales are also drinking all our water. Oh sure, it’s just a minor drought right now, but one day you will go to the beach and there will be a sign saying “Sorry, no water.” It will happen. Lastly, those damn sea-mammals are eating all of our fish. The fish were put in the sea by Jesus for humans to eat, not whales. Don’t believe me, ask Him. Jesus, I mean. Ask Jesus about it. It being the fish. They’re for humans. The fish, I mean, not the whales or Jesus. Seriously, just ask Him. Do it! Do it now! Before it’s too late! And, while you’re at it, ask Jesus why the ocean is so salty. Ever taste the ocean? Salty! Ever taste whales piss? Me neither!