So yesterday I had the closest call ever with shitting my pants on a run. I wanted to run a casual half marathon yesterday and have it be chill and just listen to some music and relax.

Well me being both dumbass and a fatass I pigged out earlier on a fatty huge Mother’s Day brunch with my family. Afterwards I ate a family sized bag of hot Cheetos and some twizzlers. I knew these poor decisions would prove my run more challenging but I did not anticipate the hell I was about to endure. About 4 miles into my run I began feeling stomach uncomfort. I was hoping I was just gonna throw up a little and be back to normal. However 2 miles later I began feeling gassy, and at this rate I was too far away from my house to cut mileage. About two more miles later the urge to shit grew more and it also began to thunderstorm. Although this sounds egotistical I felt that god was testing me, I wanted to prove to him that I would not shit myself and endure the thunder like a fucking champion. At a grandma pace, one mile at a time I led myself back home, however about .6 miles from my house I felt the shit coming out.

I had to halt my run and use all my strength to retain the shit. I was near a patch of woods but I didn’t want to risk going there as the sun began to come out and it was near a popular bike path. So like a battle scarred soldier I waddled myself back home. My neighbors waved at me as I marched home like fucking penguin and I had to put on a fake smile and wave back, even though my pain was indescribable and a hot Cheeto massacre was about to explode in my pants at any moment.

At this point I was 100 yards from my house and I felt the oncoming shit. I knew that if I kept my pace I wouldn’t make it. Like a wounded gazelle I made an awkward sprint for my house. I busted through the door with my whole family staring at me and rushed straight to the toilet. I released the most explosive, a type of shit many people couldn’t experience even in their nightmares, a kind of shit a man experiences only once or twice in a lifetime. In a way it was beautiful.

So anyways I wanna hear about your guys cool running shit stories. Obviously this is not the first time I’ve had to shit really bad on a run but in most instances my routes provide hidden storm drains, Woods, or businesses I could use in emergencies. This instance was byfar the most intense tho.