I’m so tired. I’m tired of going into every Indiana-Ohio State game thread in the first three quarters and seeing the same god damn thing.

“What is going on here?!?!?”

“Can Indiana actually win it this time?”

“Good team”

“Indiana is so spooky.”

“This is the year they pull it out just wait!”

“Indiana might actually be good.”

Guess the fuckety fucking fuck what. No they fucking don’t. They don’t got it. This is IU. There is no happiness here. We will not pull it out. We will leave it in there and the next thing you know you’re 33 years old with six kids, living in a single wide with a plywood bathroom door because you kicked it when you were drunk in Salem, married to a semi-retired hooker from Martinsville, and a beer belly the size of a KEG OF KEYSTONE LIGHT BECAUSE YOUR DAD NEVER TAUGHT YOU THE OL COITUS INTERRUPTUS.

And dont bring your chaos gods bullshit up in here. CHAOS ISNT LOSING TO OHIO FUCKING STATE 23 STRAIGHT TIMES AND MICHIGAN 22 STRAIGHT TIMES. Your chaos gods have forsaken you. Losing in heartbreaking and brand new fashion every time is your new god.

Ya wanna know what it’s like being an IU football fan? It’s like getting ready to have sex with a girl and she slips your dick out of your pants, starts to blow you, then yanks the zipper up on your pants as hard as she can. And then says she got herpes from blowing Isaac Haas.

IT TOOK OUR HEAD COACH DYING OF BRAIN CANCER TO GET A WINNING SEASON.

don’t tell me it’ll get better. don’t tell me how to feel my feelings. I don’t want to hear “but overtime scary boooooooo!” From Michigan. And I don’t want to hear fucking a fucking thing from Kentucky. Fuck you. You broke your streak. I don’t want to hear about how I just have to wait. I DID MY WAITING. 24 YEARS OF IT! ON STATE ROAD 37!

One day I’ll die and the misery of being an IU fan will be over. I’ll be walking to take my place in heaven, I’ll get 27 yards from the pearly gates, full of bliss and happiness with all my suffering over, there will be sweet calming music, and then all of a sudden from out of nowhere I’ll hear sweet, innocent Don Fischer sigh and say, “Touchdown Dwayne Haskins.” The music stops, dread fills my stomach, everything turns dark. Just then, a bright light shows up and Jesus appears. I feel the warmth again, everything will be alright. He leans forward as if to tell me something wonderful and whispers almost inaudibly, “O-H” then kicks me right in the dick and shoves me off the edge to fall into a silver and red room with my eyes taped open to watch this fucking game on repeat for the rest of eternity.