I sexually identify as an Imperial Guard from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Ever since I was a boy, I dreamed of keeping the streets of the Imperial City free from beggars and that scum the Grey Fox.

People say that being a video game NPC is impossible, and I’m an idiot but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon change my face, an armorer to make me an identical sword, and a fletcher to make me a bow and it’s arrows. From now I want you to call me “Guard” and respect my right to kill or jail you if you steal items. If you can’t accept me you’re an Asfaleiaskophobe and need to check your character privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.