It was a cold, dark, and stormy day in March. The former Vice President of the United States of America had just prepared a hot cappacino using his Nespresso DeLonghi Latissma +. The espresso was from India and had a bold spice. It was time for the VP to relax and watch the evening news.

After a catching the Sean Hannity show at 10 pm and enjoying the mild chatter of Sean and his guest Dick Cheney tuned in to the comedy show The Daily Show with John Stewart.

His guest tonight was Rachel Maddow. Rachel Maddow is a homosexual autistic PhD. This naturally made her inclined to assume that everything bad in the world was Dick Cheney’s fault. What would it be tongiht Dick Cheney wondered to himself as he sipped on the delicious froth of his cappacino. Perhaps she had made up some more bullshit about the Koch Brothers supplying millions to fund world war three so that they could make profits off of the tax breaks they would get.

Jon Stewarts show began as it always does. Jon Stewart was spinning a blue paper and making dick jokes. “Republicans sat on their own balls,’ proclaimed Jon Stewart, much to the audiences delight. If only Fox News would allow Obama to be a good president. Then we would see the Change we were all promised.

Next up was Samantha Bee. The comedic legend who trademarked the classic joke, ‘Cutting up a 4 hour interview into thirty seconds and then taking answers out of context and putting them to new questions while stating political opinions in a fake news voice’. It was comedic gold. It worked every time. Tongiht Samantha Bee interviewed a doctor who said Obamacare had caused more people to lose their health insurance than it did provide insurance for the uninsured. What a fool. Samantha Bee pounced with her trademark wit. “Isn’t it true that poor people should get health insurance though?”. The republican shrieked in horror as he realized he had been defeated. “Samantha Bees voice narrated, ‘Republicans totally suck man, they ruin everything”.

Dick felt a tingle in his left arm. Was the republican world view crumbling before his very eyes. Why had he not seen the error of his ways? A third nespresso was needed for Rachel Maddow had not shown her face yet.

After a commercial break it was finally her time. She appeared with her trademark liberal glasses. Her Ph.D in hand and she and Jon Stewart began to jack each other off. “The Iraq war totally sucked they exclaimed’. “It was so unjustified said Rachel to which Jon Stewart moaned and stroked her penis.

Dick sipped his espresso. A double shot of Columbian lungo.

I have proof that Iraq war had nothing to do with the Iraq Liberation act of 1998 which passed with 98% of the vote and was signed by Bill Clinton. Dick stopped sipping. I have proof that Russian, British, French, and American intelligence agencies made up the evidence of WMDs.

Dick dropped his cup. Espresso spilled over his copy of the Wall Street Journal.

“It turns out the war was for OIL!!!” explaimed maddow. Jon Stewart came. Rachel Maddow came. but they did not stop. THey continued the cirlcejerk. You are such a great fucking journalist exclaimed Maddow to Jon Stewart. He said, ‘yeah, George Bush totally sucked adn lied to us all just like FAUX NEWS’. He undid Maddows shirt. Maddow was all like, ‘OMG YES WHY DO REPUBLICANS GET THEIR NEWS FROM SUCH DUMB SOURCES OMG OMG YES.” She moaned strokin Jon Stewarts cock furiously.

Dick Cheneys heart stopped in that moment. He realized he was going to die. The bitter taste of the Columbian dulce clung in his mouth. The infarct in his heart had grow to a critical weakness and blood brook the though walls of the heart and filled the pericardium.

He knew he was going to die.

His last thoughts that night, my friends, where of his failures. If only he had gotten a PhD in journalism like Maddow and Jon Stewart. Then he could have seen through the lies of the CIA and the worlds best intelligence agencies. If only he had ignored the laws passed by the United States congress. If only he had realized that Saddam was not ignoring the human rights of minority groups such as homosexuals, women, and non shiite muslims. If only he had not paid the Supreme Court to make Bush president. Al Gore would have seen through these lies.

Al Gore would have saved us all.