Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic, press 69696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later. If you have low self esteem, hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.