> There was a time, winter of ’93 I believe, where I watched an obsese woman take the last slice of pizza from a barren buffet. The other customers and I were snowed in from a brutal winter storm that had paralyzed the entire town, even the snow-plows couldn’t get through. Since we couldn’t get out, we decided to make the best of a bad situation by using the restaurant as shelter, delighting in each other’s company, and gorging on the delicious food.
>
> A few hours in we even got a nice, warm Christmas orgy going – roughly thirty men and women all fucking each other in a pile. The restaurant owner even joined in the fun by sticking free candy-canes up our assholes and pouring the leftover brown gravy from the buffet all over us. It was a glorious time. We all sang Christmas carols and continued plowing each other while slathered in gravy.
>
> That was until the *she* stepped out of the restroom and nabbed the only slice of pizza left from the buffet counter. Suddenly the festive good mood and perverse sexual intercourse stopped. All of us, slowly, rose to our feet – warriors of survival, butt-naked, still doused in brown gravy. The men’s penises remained erect, pulsating with excitement.
>
> A scream, a shrieking war-cry of fury erupted from behind me, setting off the warring faction. We raced toward the large woman, knocking her off her feet and onto the floor – the slice of pizza still dangling from her hungry mouth.
>
> She was dragged back into the restroom and bludgeoned with broomsticks. One of the other woman grabbed a bottle of *Pine-Sol* off the janitor’s shelf, opened the cap, and started forcing the heavy-set woman to drink it.
>
> **”CHUG IT! CHUG IT ‘TIL YA CHOKE, YOU FAT, CUNTSUCKING WHORE!”** she screamed.
>
> During all the confusion, another member of our angry, nudist tribe found the women’s purse on the floor and started going through it – producing a driver’s license.
>
> **”HER NAME IS CANDACE!”** she yelled.
>
> The brutal beating continued as the raging mob took turns beating Candace until there was nothing left to beat. We rolled her enormous corpse out the back door, into the alley, into a mountain of snow, where she was left for the plows to scoop her up once they were able to get through again.

—-

> *Epilogue*
>
> The winter storm raged on, burying Candace like the rest of the scattered garbage in the alleyway. We returned to our festive orgy and continued fucking one another long into the evening. When we awoke the next morning, the snow-plows had freed us from our winter prison. All the men said goodbye to each other by shaking penises, much like a traditional handshake.
>
> “It’s been a pleasure, Gary,” said Steve while both men embraced each other’s cocks; gently lifting them up and down.
>
> We filed out the door, still butt-naked, carrying our clothes, and back into reality.
>
> * * * * * * *
>
> The plows only managed to move Candace’s massive cadaver a few feet from where we originally rolled her into the alley. She laid there through the rest of winter, the occasional winter flurry recovering her frozen blubber until the warmth of the sun melted the layer of snow again.
>
> I remember driving to work and beeping my horn and waving at Candace’s dead body as I passed it on the street – sort of a “hey-I-know-you” type gesture.
>
> Once spring arrived Candace started decaying very quickly, the scent was atrocious and could be smelled for miles around, like a decomposing herd of dead elephants. The vagrant animals all feasted on her rotting flesh for months, until there was only scattered bones remaining.
>
> A few of the locals who knew Candace joked that she finally found a way to lose weight.

Sauce: [part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/3tacdl/ken_from_south_side/cx4i9pf), [part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/3tacdl/ken_from_south_side/cx4jfwx)