Here’s what you do. Go to a public bathroom, and just wait. Wash your hands. Do your makeup in the mirror. Just stay there. Get comfortable.

LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE POOP. Listen closely. Then, when they walk out, glance over at them. Notice their reaction to you. They’ll probably look embarrassed. But, I’ll tell you how they won’t look; they won’t look life-changing-ly mortified.

Everybody shits. I shit. President Obama shits. Albert Einstein used to shit all the time. Imagine that. Imagine Albert Einstein, sitting on a public toilet, whistling and shitting. Whistling, shitting, not giving a fuck, and creating the theory of general relativity. Einstein shat—that HAPPENED.

Step 1) Lay down some long strips of toilet paper on the bowl. Step 2) sit on the paper. Step 3) Shit. This is the most important step. No matter what happens, just remember: you have to shit. You have no choice, no alternative. It will smell bad, it will sound bad, and it will feel bad, but you have it do it. Don’t get up. Don’t run away like a damn kitten frightened by a slightly larger kitten. You’re not a kitten; you’re a MAN (or a WOMAN). Shit like a man (or like a woman).

…Your fears will come true. People will hear you. And do you know what they’ll think? They’ll think, “Hey, is that shypooper taking a poop? Huh. Guess it is. I wonder if Panera will be crowded today? I really want a sandwich, but I should probably get salad instead.” THEY WILL NOT CARE. Trust me. Nobody cares if they overhear you shitting in the bathroom. That is why the bathroom exists.

…I think you’re weird for NOT pooping in public bathrooms. That’s a hell of a lot more disturbing than hearing someone poop in a toilet.

Credit to /u/32koala