dang man, other people are so cruel sometimes. i try really hard not to think about or even look at hateful comments and stuff but… god, they’re all i see. i swear the algorithms are targeting me. i don’t watch meme compilations to kill time anymore thanks to the sheer amount of “waifu cringe” and neckbeard memes.

it honestly astounds me that people can hate someone else and openly ridicule and shame them just for feeling love. like i’m genuinely scared to post about my f/o or interact with other people on this sub. i’m not even sure what i’m scared of lol, i’m just terrified. i feel like i can’t feel my feelings.

it’s like i’m aware of the cringe, and my heart completely ignores it. my chest burns like the sun whenever i think about her and somehow these internet strangers can get in my head and make me feel guilty for feeling love and emotion when they can barely do anything other than think with their dicks anyways, pardon my generalization.

i’m honestly coming to the point where i feel like if i’m not actively suffering or offering some usefulness to someone else that i have no value or right to honest enjoyment or sentient existence. like, i just want to read books in a cabin in the woods and make music and paint and daydream about my magical shadow gf and feel positive things, but everyone around me wants me to get yelled at by customers all day so i can cry myself to sleep and then get yelled at on the internet for feeling anything other than numbness. i daydream about death almost as much as i daydream about my f/o. god, i can barely use her name in a sentence without feeling like i’ve just bared my neck in a room full of vampires.

most, if not all of her fanart is just the most popular fanon ship and idk. i just have no motivation to make any art or fanfics about us because i’m just certain i’ll end up on some cringe youtube comp, or i’ll read it back and die of embarrassment, even though it makes me happy seeing all of you with your partners. at this point i feel like i’m just taking her away from her fanon pairing, but i know that’s just the people pleaser in me because every cell of my awareness is begging me not to give up and succumb to their judgement.

so yeah. not sure if you guys relate but i imagine it’s not much easier. wish i didn’t feel guilty for feeling love, and i wish i could focus on our relationship and bond with her, or at least write, instead of laying in bed scrolling through videos and mindlessly consuming like everyone else. that’s all lol, sorry to come and cry all over your wonderful little internet joy corner haha. you’re all wonderful and your partners are lucky to have you ❤️