Firstly, the guests will walk in and take their seats. It will seem like a normal funeral— closed casket, sad, glum, boring, maybe even depressing.

Except for one thing. A bright yellow “Get Well Soon!” balloon is tied to one end of the coffin, among the flowers and memories.

One guest notices the balloon, and soon the others do too. Cue the music.

“Pop goes the weasel,” plays on a loop, building up suspense and drawing guest eyes to the closed coffin, with the implication that my corpse will pop back to life at any minute.

As the suspense is building, someone turns the fan on. The guests notice, and they now see my body dangling from the fan, spinning around and around.

In shock, everyone gasps. Grandma faints. A baby cries. Someone takes my body down from the fan and props it up on a stand next to the coffin, like a wax figurine.

During this time, the playlist now consists solely of hard and classic rock. The priest announces that my friends and family members may dress me in outfits however ridiculous as they want. He gestures to a chest full of clothing— none of it matching. He also announces that anyone who has a problem with me shall settle it now, and they each have three karate moves that they will be allowed to perform on the corpse— left and right jabs, and the fabled flying side kick.

They guests will also play hilariously grim party games, like “Pin the tail on the corpse,” where the winners will receive an urn of my ashes as a party favor at the close.

Next is the deciding of the how my assets shall be divided. In a game of Kahoot! To the death.

The Kahoot! Will be 1000 questions long, about every aspect of my life. The winner gets all of my assets.

Next is the eulogies. The guests will get to come up one at a time and roast the everloving fuck out of my dead ass. Each guest will get to stand next to my ridiculous looking corpse and be a comedian, insulting me in the beyond.

Finally, at the end, my guests will watch me be cremated. But the twist— my corpse will be FILLED with popcorn kernels. As my body burns, the popcorn will pop. At the end, my guests will get to eat the crematorium popcorn as they hand choose the ashes that they wish to take. The leftover ashes will be taken and pressed into a diamond, which will be forged into a sword, and used to settle future family feuds.