So my first day, I sit down for breakfast and they give me a bowl of nails… without any milk. And I eat it. Now, the Aryan Brotherhood is whispering all around me because they realize something’s up with my teeth.

 Well, what they didn’t know, of course, is that when I was in Vietnam, we’d hit upon this diamond mine that as it turned out, was the primary source of income for Ho Chi Minh’s regime. The guys had sent me in first because I had become known for being able to massacre whole regiments of Vietkong after we had been pinned down in three-pronged raid.

 During that battle, I had cut my way outside the circle of the advancing line and started trimming them down from the outside. The most effective tactic was grabbing them by their balls–now these suckers were unusually small, only about 1 centimeter around, which is about half the size of a normal male testicle, unless you happened to be Celt.

 On account of the Celts’ language structure, and particularly in Irish Gaelic, we speak using the taint muscles to reverberate up through our diaphragms, so our testicles end up being approximately 5/3s the size of a normal pair of balls. Our scrotal tissue is tougher, too, but that’s another story.

 Well, I started removing all of these Vietkong balls, and I was actually storing them up in my helmet. I didn’t never need to wear the helmet because as a Marine Force Recon, I was trained specially to always move my head in a rhythmic bobbing fashion, which will reduce your chances of getting shot in the head to 0% because of the turbulent distortion of the orbital wind factor surrounding your head.

 Took me longer than I’d have expected to clear out about 300 men. About 8 minutes, which I wasn’t too proud of, but I got the job done.

 Any way, they send me into this diamond mine, and I had intended to use the same tactic as when we were flanked months prior, but I was responsible for carrying two LMGs at the time, which I couldn’t let out of my sight for any reason, so my hands were essentially full, but I had gotten this brutal idea.

 I figured I could probably bite the nuts off of these guys, so sure enough, I did. This one poor fucker, I went as far as to penetrate him with the LMG after I’d found out he was tough enough that losing his boys wasn’t enough to take him down. But I had sworn at that point that I would never fire a gun because if I fired a gun, I knew I was going to kill every Vietnamese person in that jungle and I knew I wanted to raise a family, so I didn’t want genocide on my conscience.

 So I jammed the LMG all the way up through his ass and into his cranium, actually severing the frontal lobe from the rest of his brain. And from that point, he became a total vegetable.

 When I had gotten done clearing the mine of about 100 armed guards, the rot of the testicle materials on my teeth had already begun to cause a rare deterioration disorder, so I had to yank all my teeth out on the spot if I wanted to stop the rot from spreading to the nerve. And at that point, I knew I was going to need to replace my teeth if I wanted to keep biting nuts off.

 It had occurred to me that I could yank some diamond out of the mines, so I did. And I crushed a few raw diamonds into shard roughly the size of teeth and jammed up into my gums where my teeth had been. And from there, I could basically chew anything I ever needed to.

 So when they gave me that bowl of nails, I knew I’d be able to eat it, easy. And when they finally saw I could, one of the shotcallers had got shook and started panicking, from what my in, Larry, had passed on to me.

 Larry had been there for 20 years, and earned his respect over time, so nobody fucked with him, but as it turned out, he had been my father’s best friend’s cousin’s son, so when he heard me speaking Gaelic, he immediately recognized the unique Morgan family timbre and knew I had to be the son of his father’s cousin’s best friend.

 He said to me at the time, “You know, they’re dead scared of you. You might want to watch your back though because they’ll come at you like mosquitoes, and they can’t really hurt you, but if they land a couple hits on you, it’s gonna itch something fierce for a week or two. I’d rather not have to see you go through that, so either find a way to get em off your scent, or swat em all before they can get in too close”. As you can imagine, I wasn’t going to get them off of me any time, so I started swatting up. And I squished most of em real good…