Pimento University. Pimento U. Good old… P.U. Pimento U, oh sweet P.U., thy fragrant odor scents the air. Pox on Yale, pooh-pooh Perdue, Pimento U, my college fair. Out and away, the most popular fellows at… erm… Ahem. Out and away, the most popular fellows at old P.U. are the three Dover Boys. Tom, the fun-loving member of the trio, Dick, a serious lad of 18 summers, plus a winter in Florida, as seen in the Dover Boys at the Everglades, and… um… Larry, the youngest of the three jer-er, brothers. A GAY outing at the park has been planned by the merry trio, and they’re off to fetch their fiancé, Dainty Dora Standpipe, at Miss Cheddar’s Female Academy close by. With their usual punctuality, the boys arrive at the appointed hour of 3. Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! And are soon on their rollicking way. Forced to pass a certain public house, a tavern of unsavory repute, our young friends meet the distressing situation with their usual uncompromising moral fortitude. Little do they know that even now, within this very tavern, Dan Backslide, the former sneak of Roquefort Hall, coward, bully, cad, and thief, and archenemy of the Dover Boys, squanders his misspent life. Hark! The Dover Boys. Drat them! Double drat them! They are escorting Dora Standpipe. DEAR, RICH DORA STANDPIPE! HOW I LOVE HER (father’s money)! CONFOUND THOSE DOVER BOYS! OH, HOW I HATE THEM! I HATE TOM! I HATE DICK! AND I HATE LARRY! THEY DRIVE ME TO DRINK! Confound them! (hic) CON! FOUND THEM! But let us draw the curtain on this sordid scene, and turn to more pleasant surroundings, where we find our young friends engaged in a spirited game of hide, go, and seek. 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55… No, no! In here! No, up here! Up here! No, no! Over here! Over here! Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! 510, 515… Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! Over here! In here! Over here! Oops, sorry! Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! Over here! In here! No, no, in here! No, in here! Over here! In here! Over here! NO! IN HERE! The Dover Boys! Then Dora must be alone and unprotected! A runabout. I’LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW! 1250, 1255, 1260, 1265, 1270, 1275, 1280, 1285, 1290, 1295, 1300. 1305, 1310, 1315, 1320, 1325, 1330, 1335, 1340, 1345, 1350… 1490, 1495, 1500. Here I come, ready or not! Help! Help! Save me! Help, Tom! Help, Dick! Help, LARRY! (GASP!) Help, help! Save me, save me! Help, help! Save me, save me! Help! HELP! Help! Help! Help, Tom! Help, Dick! Help, Larry! Poor Dora. Will no one save her from this predicament? Will no one come to her assistance? Hold on, what’s this? It looks like an alert young scout! And that’s just what it is! He’ll not fail her, I’ll betcha! Telegram for the Dover Boys. Misters Tom, Dick, and Larry, c/o Wayward Tavern, Upper Bottleneck, New York. Sirs, quote, HEEEAAAALLLLPP!!!, unquote. Signed, Dora. 35 cents collect. Help! Help! Help! Help! Save me, save me! Save me! Help, save me! Help, help! Save me, save me! Help, help! Help, save me! HELP, TOM! HELP, DICK! HELP, LARRY! Oh, Dora dear, sweet Dora, dear, keep courage up and chin held high. The stalwart sons of old P.U. are here at hand to do or die. P.U., P.U., we’re all for you! Yay, boom! UNHAND HER, DAN BACKSLIDE! UNHAND HER, DAN BACKSLIDE! UNHAND HER, DAN BACKSLIDE! Hey, we’re getting in a rut! Stand up and fight, you coward, bully, cad, and thief! Oh, you haven’t been thrashed enough, eh? And now it is time to say goodbye. Goodbye.