I HATE water. Water is the most disgusting, turgid, repulsive thing ever. And not in cleaning, showering, washing, oh no. In drinking. Water is a terrible sin against hydration. It is an ancient sin, a plague brought upon this world by the evils of the universe. Why do I say this? Water is corrupting the minds of many into a hivemind of water drinkers. They all try to convince you that water is a good drink but it is not. Water cannot do what other drinks can do, but other drinks can do what water does. It is obsolete, outclassed, useless. It serves no purpose but to brainwash. Don’t you feel silly, ashamed, dreadful that you have been intentionally drinking a liquid with no other benefits? We have optimized hydration to the point where water is not needed anymore, yet people continue, because of the hivemind. I will not settle for such mediocrity. Don’t settle for less, strive for more. Strive for a better drink than the turgid waste that is water. You, the reader. Are you drinking water? Are you okay with the terrible curse you have laid upon yourself? You are foolish in all ways to accept such a drink. While you rabidly open another bottle of water, I am searching for the perfect elixir, the drink to end all drinks, the end to this madness. You shall see that I succeed, and the reign of terror that is water fall. Have you no respect for yourself? No dignity? No self esteem? No taste? You are an idiot for that. I shall not succumb to such bigotry in this apocalypse, and I will remain standing as the remaining pillar of sanity. How could you accept something so lowly? The bare minimum, with hydration of all things? All this time we’ve spent in the past to gather and fight for spices to make food taste better, and today, you are drinking water, something with no taste. You are an insult to these people. You are a disgrace for such an idiotic move. There is no need for a frivolous object like this. There is no reasoning, no evidence for such a thing. You are drinking the water that could’ve housed a fish or something more meaningful than what is to become urine. It is absolutely mine boggling that this behavior can be left unchecked. I would shower in grape juice if I had the choice, because of my endless battle against water. It is simply put, unviable. You are actively disrespecting your ancestors, your lineage, your life, and everyone around you when you do this. You disappoint me. You deserve to be sent into the great fiery pits of Tartarus for your heinous crimes, sentenced to an eternity of torture akin to that of Sisyphus, in which no success shall ever be saw by you again. You are worthless.