My little brother is being court martialed for shitting himself. The prosecuter is that young assistant Attorney General from Billions (the guy who eventually takes Chuck’s job). I show up as a character witness. Giving zero fucks, naturally, I decide to show up in cammies and shower shoes (aka the cheapest rubber flip flops not even a third world child would be caught dead wearing). I approach the stand, and the posecuter says something like “nice shoes man”. I fire back with “sweet dick” or something like that. When I arrive at the stand, it comes time for me to swear in. Before raising my right hand…the judge immediately knife hands me for having my (grey) face mask (bandana) on. It’s Covid after all and even I want to be responsible and not pee germs on people. I roll my eyes and remove the mask. The judge then starts to berate me for not having shaved…I proceed to tell him that I’m no longer in the Corp and he has no jurisdiction to tell me jack or shit about the hair on my face. That’s when he notices the shower shoes. Smoke literally begins billowing out of his ears (remember, this is a dream). His face turns as bright as the sun as he begins the “once a Marine…” Lecture. After I repeatedly snub the motarded aggression with logical counter arguments, I’m ejected from the courtroom. I immediately drive back home to change because…I mean, I look ridiculous. When I come back to meet my brother, I’m faced with a crowd of anti pants-shitting protesters…the antifa of pant shitting…the Antipoo Anyhow…after harrassing the Antipoo group for a few moments, my phone rings. It’s my brother on the other line (not the one under trial). He casually informs me that my other brother is being transported to a max-security brig where he’ll do a small stint for transgressing the barracks linens.

I then wake up.

Moral of the story — if you shit your pants and find yourself at a court-martial, make sure your character witness doesn’t show up in shower shoes. Otherwise, you may be doing some time.