I hear Penis speaking, and he speaks like the whistling snow.

“Come, unzip me,” he speaks, “I will pleasure you beyond your wildest dreams.”

I’m less two days in. I may as well relapse.

“But no,” I say, even as I unzip my pants, “if this is my mindset, I shall never get a streak going.”

Penis speaks naught. He has done his duty. I unzip my pants, and watch as he majestically awakens from slumber.

Like a cobra, Penis rises. He entraces me with his tantalizing tales. I am charmed by him, oh, the master of snakes.

He speaks to me, but with no words. I can simply feel Penis as I stare at his shining beauty.

Penis in hand, I walk to the bathroom.

“Do it,” Penis beckons, “you won’t regret it this time, I tell you. You’ve had a hard day, and you deserve this break.”

Penis, staring at me with his beady eyes, lashes out in anguish as I douse him with freezing water. The cobra proceeds to be rebaptized, and awakens, a shining phoenix.

I stand, there, naked, proud and tall. Penis, a newborn baby, a mere garter snake, looks at me, and smiles.

And I smile back.