Looking to become a master chef so you can bang any bitch, any time? Well look no further, asshole! This guide is going to show you how to be and look like a sophisticated downie retard chef.

Tip 1: Before you even put your hermaphrodite pussy hands on a tool, you need to transform into an alpha fucking male. Lift 50+ pound weights in each hand for 1-2 hours 10 times each day, and start your liquid diet of protein shakes, faggot. Fuck leg day, you will wear pants 24/7. Throw away any and all print t-shirts and your fucking Gap sweaters, pussies. You will now wear baggy jeans that are 2 sizes bigger than what you wear now, and loose free-running shit (beanies, tanktop, and knee socks. Do this for 2 year straight and you should see yourself transform into a steroid using motherfuckin’ BEAST.

Step 2: Don’t question this guide, cunt. Do you question the way of god when he told you get down on your knees to suck Noah’s dick? Didn’t fucking think so, pussy. FUCK WHATEVER SHIT YOU BELIEVE IN, I’M YOUR SUPREME COMMANDER NOW, BITCH.

Step 3: Wielding an over sized utensil of fucking power is KEY to making some top-tier cheesy ramen. You want to be one with the fucking knife, spoon, can opener, fucking CHOPSTICKS. Understand what the purpose is of your fucking useless life and the tool’s. Fucking get your head outta’ the gutter, it’s time for the last step, cunt.

Step 4: Final tip, are you ready? If you’ve done all the previous steps then you’re now a fucking god among men and like I, you now control any pussy below you. Start beating your girlfriend/wife, injecting steroids, smoking meth, whatever the fuck you need to do. You’re a man now, congratulations. You may now cook whatever the fuck you want.