Today I tallied up all the money I’ve spent on pussy. I can’t tell you how disgusted I am with myself. It all started Jan of last year when a girl I had a crush on in High school started an OF and promoted it on insta. I’d always thought paying for porn was stupid and for losers, but I really wanted to see her nudes exclusively so I subbed. It felt like a dream come true seeing my high school crush butt naked my brain wanted more exclusive porn.
After my first sub I started going down the rabbit hole. Soon I started subbing to girls my HS crush collabed with. I wouldnt even talk to the girls I subbed to I would simply pay for the sub see them naked/fuck blow my load then delete my account. Only to reactive my account shortly after and sub to another account rinse and repeat. I’d try to tell myself I would quit I was aware this was not healthy but I was hooked my brain had been rewired into thinking paying for porn is ok. I’d venture out looking for onlyfans accounts to subscribe to on Twitter,Tiktok,Reddit,Twitch Streams,Insta,Snapchat,Escort websites. I really lost myself I couldn’t control this bad habit.
A little bit about myself to paint the picture of what my life looks like. I am a socially awkward 23 year old virgin 5’5 skinny guy with zero dating experience. I live with my mother in a house we bought together, I don’t have a car because driving kinda scares me though I do have Driver’s license. No college degree I dropped out sophmore year, unemployed currently I am living off money I made from trading stocks and crypto. I don’t really go out though I recently signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter to get myself out more and socialize. My mom is really the only person I talk to in person unless family comes over.
As you can see I don’t have much going for myself which is likely how I end up falling for these bad habits of mine. When I look at what triggers my urges to see the OF girls it would have to be bordom, loneliness, regret, worthlessness, and the crave for a women’s attention. Which brings me to the cam girls.
I remember seeing the ad jerkmates and decided to try it I wish I never opened that pandora’s box because I really became addicted. I’d pay 5-10 dollars a minute just to face time with a cam model and blow my load in front of them. There was one cam model that really was nice to me by calling my handsome, telling me she loved me. Didn’t take long for me to develop feelings for her and spend a lot of money on her. I just couldn’t help myself from this it’s like I was in a trance.
Long story short I’ve been keeping all this in no one in my life knows this about me. If only my family and friends knew the kind of man I am spending this amount of money on online porn they would all turn their backs on me. I’ve made such a mess of my life I want to change be a better man. Control my fapping. This is no way to live I know it because I am miserable inside I know all these girls I pay for just want money it’s not real. I’m just so desperate and weak I give into all this behavior. I have gone 2 days without online porn, but I need help any advice on bettering my situation staying strong when I get those urges.