I have a bottle of Japanese Whisky on my Desk. Single Malt. One bottle costs £500.

My trading strategy is simple. I buy options equal to the value of that Whisky. Puts, calls, I don’t care. I find a single option equal to the value of my single malt. I buy that option. What I do then is simple. I wait for the option to increase in value. When it is worth two bottles of Japanese Whisky, I sell it and call my Whisky Sommelier. He used to oversee the Yamakazi Distillery, the finest whisky distillery in Japan (and, in the view Mark Newton, chief critic of the World Whisky Awards, the finest in the world). He later became personal Sommelier to the Kumicho of Yamaguchi-gumi, the world’s largest Yakuza family. He is also my personal Sommelier.

When my Option doubles, I call him and masturbate while I place my order. If my option triples before I can pick up the phone, I give the excess to my Sommelier.

If my option does not increase in value, I wait. If it hits zero, I drink the bottle of Single Malt on my desk, and enter my next trade. I don’t bother pouring it into a glass, no need to savour it. I don’t care much for the taste anyway.

I am not short of whisky. My cellar is being refurbished to make room for more Japanese Single Malt. My Sommelier has become the 56th wealthiest person in Japan, 32nd if you don’t count women as people, which I don’t.