I appreciate your thoughtful answer.

Like I said in my earlier post, I was a terrible person when I was younger. In the South, and in black culture there, there is a very pronounced stigma against homosexuality. I was also very religious then. I was basically a perfect storm of homophobia. It was extremely ironic because one of my closest friends struggled with his burgeoning homosexuality the entire time. He even joined everyone else in shaming, ridicule, and bullying other more flamboyant gays.

That was how badly he wanted to fit in.

We talked a lot about the nature of homosexuality and I was dismissive every time. I never even thought about why he would bring it up. He was hoping that I, his closest friend, would be the one to accept him and look past his orientation.

I never did until the end of high school.

We were making our usual hateful jokes. Well, I was anyway. He asked me to stop, but I didn’t think he was serious. He outed himself to me. I still remember it vividly because I had never seen him cry before. I didn’t know how to react. I got up, left, and I didn’t speak to him again until years later.

I didn’t learn after that, though. I actually felt mad at him for being gay. I was so stupid. When I joined the military, I moved to San Diego. There were a good deal more openly gay people there, and I debated with them after getting to know them. I actually said the “you’re one of the good ones” thing to him, like an asshole.

Eventually, I had my split with the church. I still held my beliefs about homosexuality despite my newfound embrace with atheism. I shake my head as I write this. I am so ashamed to dredge this up.

I went back home for my grandfather’s funeral. My friend was there, and we talked. I asked him if he was still gay and he stared at me blankly. He told me all about how he felt at that time. He told me about his hurt, his anger, his isolation, and his fear. Suddenly, everything clicked. He was hurting so much, and I, his best friend, knew nothing about it. My entire frame of memory rested on a small sliver of the big picture. I apologized to him, and I used the next few days I was in town to try and understand more.

Changing gears, do you know that a majority of women get assaulted or molested at some point in their lives? I learned that from talking to a woman. I had never realized, even though it was happening all around me, to people I knew and cared deeply for, by other people I knew and cared deeply for.

I don’t know what your life is like. I can only come from my own reference until I find another paradigm shift that changes my outlook. I look for the info in places that offer differing viewpoints. I know that I may not change anyone’s mind, but learning is my journey. If I can be there when someone I care for needs it, that’s enough for me.

I’m not trying to appropriate anyone’s struggle to get “feel good points.” I just never want to be blind to the struggle of anyone I love. I am an old man trying to get better. I am far from the best, but if I improve as much as I can everyday, I can at least be relied upon.