I’ve always been attracted to older women. I know it’s weird to most people, but I just can’t help it. I really wish I could be normal, and be attracted to people my age, but I’m just not and I don’t think I ever will be… I know many people reading this can’t wait to make fun of me, but there’s nothing you can say that hasn’t been said to me before. Even my parents hate me.

When I first entered JC, I had an urgent need to go to the toilet. The toilet I went to was being cleaned and as I was not familiar with the school, I did not know where else to go for the toilet so I waited outside the toilet for a few minutes and that’s when I first laid my eyes on her. She was old, maybe in her 50s, and I found her irresistible.

2 weeks later, we finally get our CG and homerooms. That’s when I saw her again. I went to the toilet and there she was, cleaning. Little did I know, I would be able to see her a lot more. Every morning at 8:30 AM, she would be on the 11th floor, cleaning the Boys toilet. Without fail, I would go to the toilet at 8:30 AM daily just to see the face of her. Even on days where school starts at 9AM, I would reach school earlier just to go to the toilet. She had gotten so familiar to seeing me that we would greet each other every morning. She even started calling me by a Chinese nickname which translates to handsome boy.

Then came CB. I was not able to see her for more than 2 months… These two months were really difficult for me. If only I had her number, I would have been able to text her and I would feel better.

After the dreadfully long CB, school finally reopened and I got to see her again. This time, I wanted to get her number as I was afraid another CB may happen. I started a conversation with her and I taught her how to do some things on her mobile phone. I then told her I wanted to send her a guide, and she gave me her phone number so that I could send it to her. She started contacting me on Whatsapp to ask me for help with tech, and I would use that as my opportunity to start small talks with her.

As we continued to text each other, I felt myself falling in love with her. What was previously just a crush has evolved into something far greater. Previously, I would look forward to school as that was the only way I could see her, but now I dread the weekdays as she is not able to message me during school hours. I know she has a hard job, and I wonder what it would take to please her… That’s the job I want. I want to be with her, know more about her, learn from her, laugh with her and grow with her. Yet, I know it’s very improbable that I would ever get together with her. It really pains my heart whenever I think of her and how I can’t be with her. What are the odds she would feel the same way about me? And what are we going to do if she does feel the same way?

I can no longer focus on studies and my Promotional exams are in a week. My head’s in a mess and I don’t know what to do. Should I just confess my feelings to her? I wish I could just avoid her but I’ve gotten so attached to her, it’s become an addiction. I regret ever lusting for her and I wish I did things differently to begin with, but I seriously do love her… Yet, the love is most likely not reciprocated.