Fellow gamers, I’m scared and don’t know what to do. I haven’t eaten in 2 days and haven’t slept, either. I’m afraid for my life and wellbeing and need some advice.

It all started 3 days ago. My bitch mommy finally buckled and let me exchange all the Good Boy Points I had saved up for a brand new Gaming PC! Finally I could cast aside the PS4 and XboxOne I had her buy me when I was but an ignorant fool. The first game I purchased was *The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt* for PC. I had played the game on console, since it was all I had, but now I could experience CDPR’s masterpiece in full 120fps! I bought a physical copy, so that I could prove to all my internet friends on r/gaming that I had made the switch to true enlightenment! After taking a photo of the case and posting it to r/gaming, I opened the box and saw the glorious disc sit there. I gingerly removed it from its casing and placed it inside of my computer. I quickly install the game (stupid bitch neighbor doesn’t even have a password on her wifi LOL) and am excited to play the game! After a short piss break I plop my big boy butt down on my chair and prepare to open the game.

But… when I do, everything is wrong. A silvery symbol appears on a black background with smoke all around. Words appear, which read…

“SKYRIM”

“REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!” I bellow in disgust. This is not The Witcher 3! This is Skyrim, the product of Bitchshitsda and Clodd Howard! Never, in a million years, would I even *consider* purchasing another game from these industry hacks who are contributing to the downfall of modern gaming! Unlike CD Projekt Red, moral paragons of the industry, Bethesda is nothing more than a moneymaking machine of greed and lies. I exit the game and eject the disc. Looking at the disc there’s Witcher 3 artwork and everything on it; for all intents and purposes this *should* be The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. Confused and exasperated, I left to find mummy so she could make me some chicken tendies with hunny mussie sauce. *This* big boy had gotten hungry.

After the tendies I returned to my computer and saw a truly terrifying sight. On my computer screen, opened, was the Skyrim opening menu. I rushed to my computer to see what was wrong, and as I did I noticed the cursor mouse over “Start New Game” and click all by itself! “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” I screeched as I dove behind the computer and unplugged it. Whatever virus Bethesda had infected me with will be met with retribution, I thought. But when I gazed back on the screen, the game was still running! In fear I watched as the opening cinematic played and the Stormcloaks were brought into Helgen. I had seen this dozens of times, as I had played Skyrim in the past, but the business practices of Bethesda had soured my opinion of them and their games. In any case, everything was normal until I was brought to the race selection screen. There was only one race, whose face was immediately recognizable. The race was called “Todd Howard”.

And so Todd stood there in my game, yet not in my game. This wasn’t a model that was made to *look* like Todd Howard, *this was Todd Howard*. No amount of graphical mods could make it look like the real thing. And then the worst part happened. Todd extended his arms towards the game camera, and then **his arms extended past the computer screen!** He grabbed me and started to pull me into the game! It was then that I blacked out.

When I came to I was atop the Throat of the World. I was chained to the Word Wall there, facing the clearing. In the middle stood Todd Howard. He just stood there for a while, staring at me. I was so afraid that I pissed myself. Slowly Todd started walking up to me until we were practically touching noses, until he whispered “Please purchase Skyrim: Special Edition for the Nintendo Switch.”

“NO!” I proclaimed, “I WILL NEVER BUY YOUR SHITTY GAME AGAIN! AND I DON’T EVEN OWN A SWITCH! FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!” Sweat dripped from my brow as I strugged against my chains, but it was no use. I could not move. I shot Todd an angry look to show him how serious I was.

Todd scoffed. “What a shame,” he sighed, “I guess I’ll have to create an incentive.” He then walked down the mountain, leaving me at the peak. *Now is my time to escape* I thought to myself, but there was little I could do. The chains that held me in place were strong and my big boy frame did nothing to hinder them. I struggled and struggled, calling out to bitch mummy or the police, but nobody heard. I wanted to cry, but fought back my tears. “What would Geralt do?” I thought aloud to myself.

“Yes, what *would* Geralt do?”

I turned my head around and saw Todd Howard. He was completely nude on top of this icy peak, yet he seemed unphased by the cold. By his side, on all fours, was a man. A lean, muscular man, covered with scars and signs of a life of battle. He was an older man, with long gray hair and a beard. The man turned to look at me, and I recognized him instantly. “Geralt?!” I yelped. My hero! The Morally Gray Witcher himself! Surely he could help me, a true gamer! But it was then that I noticed the silver chain around Geralt’s neck, which led to Todd Howard’s closed fist. “What are you going to do?!” I screamed at Todd Howard. A devilish grin spread across Todd’s face.

“You’re about to see, kid.”

Todd pulled down Geralt’s pants. In horror I looked on as Todd Howard inserted his… *member*… inside of Geralt. “SQUEAL! SQUEAL LIKE A PIGGY!” Todd shrieked at Geralt. Geralt, who is usually stonefaced and stoic, was visibly uncomfortable and in pain. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” squealed Geralt, imitating an irate swine. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

I tried to turn my head, but a magical force kept my gaze locked on Todd and Geralt. There was nothing I could do, I was completely powerless. Todd just kept thrusting with all his might, clouds of his breath shooting out in paced intervals. Geralt just knelt there, crying and defeated. I started crying too.

“Will you buy Skyrim now, boy?” shouted Todd Howard.

“NEVER!” I wailed “I WILL NEVER LET YOU WIN YOU DEVIL!”

“Too bad. Looks like I’ll have to keep going!” Todd Howard quickened his pace, violating Geralt of Rivia more and more. But I would not surrender to the likes of Todd. That’s not what Geralt would want.

“Give it a rest, Toddy-boy. Give me a turn.”

Todd Howard withdrew himself from Geralt and quickly spun around. Walking up the mountain was a female figure. At first I couldn’t make out details, but as she got closer I could make out details. Her hair was up, and was dyed streaks of red. She wore red lipstick, as well. She had a flannel shirt on and jeans. She wore big hoop earrings. She had very visible laugh lines.

*Holy shit, that’s Anita Sarkeesian*

Todd Howard bent his knee into the snow. “Yes, Dark Lady.” Anita sauntered up to Geralt lying in the snow in a fetal position. Anita looked down at him.

“Pathetic.”

She then dropped her pants, revealing the biggest and blackest cock I’ve ever seen. Like, it was like reverse vitiligo for her futa penis. She grabbed Geralt and held him in the air with one arm. “I’m going to enjoy this,” she sneered as she held him down and prepared to drill his hole. She looked up at me with a disturbingly dark grin and penetrated Geralt. She started thrusting into Geralt, stretching him wide, all the while maintaining eye contact with me.

I screamed. I cried. I cursed the names of Anita Sarkeesian and Todd Howard, yet I could not close my eyes or look away. I was forced to watch Anita defile Geralt for what felt like hours as Todd Howard jerked off in the corner. Thrusting, back and forth, in and out, over and over. I could tell that Geralt’s pain was immeasurable, and after a while he completely stopped struggling. I watched in awe as Anita’s pace quickened gradually, until her pelvis was like a blur. Suddenly, a guttural roar bellowed from Anita’s chest as she pulled her cock out of Geraldo. A stream of viscous semen erupted from Anita’s futa dick and soaked Geralt from head to toe. I had never seen so much semen before in my life. Geralt lay there face down in the snow, lifeless. Anita then turned her attention to me. “Now, it’s *your* turn!” I screamed and begged and cried, but she slowly approached me…

Then I came to. I was back in my home, at my computer desk. *It must’ve just been a dream!* I thought to myself, until I looked at my computer screen. The screen was completely black, save for a Hyper-Realistic Todd Howard who stood in the middle. “What have you done, Todd? What was this?” I screamed at my monitor.

Todd just chuckled. “It’s the chicken, kid. Every time you eat those tenders you fall into my trap. The only way to stop this nonsense is to just buy Skyrim. Until next time!” The computer immediately shut off. I just sat there for a good hour in complete fear. Had what I had seen actually happened? Was Geralt stuck with Anita Sarkeesian and Todd Howard at the Throat of the World? But, more importantly, if I can’t eat my tendies then what will I do for food?!

It’s been three days. I haven’t eaten a single tendie and I’m wasting away. I don’t want to buy Skyrim but I fear for my life. What should I do, fellow gamers? Please send advice and warm wishes.


Yours truly,

u/Piffinatour

PS. On the bright side, my r/gaming post got 60k karma!